check your heart

alright, y’all… here’s another #justincaseyouthoughtihadittogether👈🏼 for the archives 🤣 soo, matt let me sleep in saturday morning until 10!🙌🏼☀️ which was awesome. it’s part of this new schedule we’re trying out — and i’m not sure if we’re the only ones who do this haha, but geez, figuring out ways to make sure that we both get the rest we need (and deserve) is HARD, y’all. almost 6 1/2 years of marriage in... and we STILL ride the struggle bus when it comes to the give/take, selfless part of it haha!

i was chatting with my friend/pastor’s wife (who i really respect) the other night at dinner and she made some offhand remark about how if her husband doesn’t get up early to work out, he just works out while she gets the kids ready for school — now granted, her kids are a lot older than mine, but still! i heard that and legit stared at her like she had 6 heads. umm, what?? you mean you don’t lose your 💩 about him working out while you help the kids? truly... i was mind-blown bahaha. it honestly bothered me enough that i called her the next day and said, “girl, you GOTTA help me out here — matt is more helpful than 80% of the husbands i hear about (seriously, he is!) but i just get SO MAD if he’s last out of bed or does something else while i’m alone wrangling the kids. does that seriously not bug you??! TEACH ME YOUR WAYS.”

we talked for awhile and it kinda boiled down to this: she looks at it like, during the week, he provides for the family and that’s his job, while staying home, taking care of the kids, that’s her “job”. obviously, he’s still super involved and helps a TON and it wasn’t a reference to 1950s spouse roles at all — but it was more about her OWNING her “job” and doing it with JOY, instead of constantly feeling resentful.

YALL. my head exploded😂 i felt soo much conviction in that moment — that, man, i’ve been BLOWING it lately! my husband is SO helpful, always. with breakfast and getting kids dressed and all that because he really does want to! BUT for whatever reason, it still wasn’t enough for me. my expectations were sky high and pretty unfair, honestly, and it had left me so, so bitter. i started out every single morning frustrated — irritated that i was up with the kids while he was still sleeping, angrily making breakfast and banging plates around. then he was irritated with ME for being irritated. and the cycle would continue haha. it was truly ridiculous 😆 and it made our mornings so so miserable!! i’m not joking when I say that it’s been months and months of this cycle!

but that one convo changed it all for me. seriously. it’s like the holy spirit illuminated that specific truth to my heart — and it completely changed, instantly. i could literally feel the resentment and bitterness melt away. like dang, this IS my job and it’s beautiful and it’s what i want, it’s what i’ve always wanted!! to be home and care for my babies — this is my dream job!!! so gahdang, let me do it with joy!!

i called matt and cried to him, apologizing for my selfishness (super fun😂 #ihatesayingsorry) and we, together, came up with some changes we wanted to make. mine were getting up with the kids after 7am (he does all nighttime wake-ups and has for the last 2 years) and letting him sleep in as long as he needs M-F, since he’s usually up super late working and needs it. his included letting me sleep in on saturdays until 10 and having a night off every week to go grab dinner with a friend. little pockets of time to ourselves, to recharge.

and you know what? i was genuinely happy to get up with the kids and let matt sleep this week. when he came out of our room 30 minutes later, i felt nothing but peace towards him. one attitude shift changed the entire dynamic of our mornings. i was actually glad he got extra rest! and seriously — that is ONLY JESUS, y’all 😂😂😂

all that to say... I know there are other areas that I need to change. and i’m sure someone out there reading this does, too. so can I just encourage you this morning to examine your hearts? is there an area that you’re so angry and frustrated about that maybe, just MAYBE, has more to do with your own expectations or issues than anything else??😬 its a hard one y’all... i mean, two weeks ago, i would’ve argued till i was blue in the face about how wrong MATT was in everything about our mornings. but then gosh, that Holy Spirit conviction came and illuminated the TRUTH of the situation to me... and OWWW, FREAKIN FRICK, it hurt. but ya know what? it actually set me free. y’all, i didn’t want to make that phone call. i didn’t want to ask my friend why she was a better wife than me 😂😂😂 but that’s how we GROW. we have to grow! we have to be willing to ask someone to speak into our lives. to course-correct. we have to have soft hearts. to CONSIDER our sin, our role in conflict. as hard and painful as it is. because lemme tell you... it’s painful! haha!! but damn... it’s worth it. the freedom is worth it. pinky swear, friends.

we're having a BABY!!!

ahhh!!! still can’t believe it! we are SO THANKFUL. i’ve been getting a ton of questions so figured it would be easier to just post the answers all in one place!

when did you find out?

on january 22nd! at 3w1d. it’s nuts, it’s a crazy story. something only God could’ve written. i’ll have to share it in a separate post soon, it’s long!

how did you find out?

i had been tracking my cycles with Ava and ovulation strips — we weren’t technically “trying” yet because I was still meeting with my fertility specialist, trying to find answers for our 5 losses (at this point, they didn’t have answers and didn’t think I’d be able to conceive a viable baby without the help of fertility drugs). so i was just tracking to practice and because I’m just a curious person by nature lol. because of that, I knew I ovulated late that month and quite honestly, I’m not really sure how i even got pregnant because i’m 99% sure we didn’t have sex during the right time haha! the 2 days before I tested though, I was practically falling asleep at the dinner table — like, laying my arm across the table and had my head down, eyes closed. I was just so tired and that definitely made me suspicious. I tested in the afternoon and got the FAINTEST line known to mankind. seriously — I don’t think anyone else could’ve seen it haha! just meeee (since I’ve taken so many dang tests — I’m a bit of a pee-on-a-stick addict lol). I immediately called my fertility doc and they had me come in for bloodwork the next morning.. it came back GREAT (for the first time ever) and that gave us our first shred of hope. they immediately put me on baby aspirin and progesterone suppositories as a precaution and then we continued to do bloodwork over the next 1.5 weeks and each time, it just kept rising. during that time, we had so many people literally praying for us daily, praying that God would breathe life into this baby. it was truly amazing.

when are you due?

october 6th! My original due date was september 30th, based on my last cycle, but because I just happened to know exactly when I ovulated and I knew it was a week late, they adjusted the due date. And the baby has measured on that due date every time so I know that was the right call! even though I’d love to be a week father along right now haha.

do you know the sex yet?

not yet! we are actually finding out THIS WEEK. eeeek!

are you going to share if it’s a boy or girl?

yes! not sure when yet but we will def share! i would never be able to keep that to myself and not accidentally slip lol

do you have names?

we have a girl name! no clue on a boy name — like ZERO. we have a possible middle name but seriously, we never agree on boy names haha. silas was a miracle ;) and, sorry in advance, we only share the name after baby is here!

how do you feel?

excited, elated, still in shock. but so so so thankful. kinda want to pinch myself. I honestly wasn’t sure we would ever be here again so I’m just really damn grateful.

have you had any symptoms?

mostly fatigue! the fatigue always hits me hard. it’s not as bad as I remember it with the other 2, but I most def take a nap every single day when the kids nap haha! and I’ve actually been more tired the last week than i was early on! I definitely haven’t been as active on social media the last six or seven weeks, I suck at texting back or responding to DMs and even getting out of my pjs some days. I’m just so dang tired all the time haha. I have super sore boobs. bloating. the usual. I also get pretty lucky in the morning sickness department during pregnancy... had mild nausea and food aversions with Silas for 5-7 weeks. was nauseous with Verity for literally 6 days and that was it. and this one was similar — about 1.5 weeks or so and then it faded. never threw up with any of them! I’ll randomly get a wave of nausea if I haven’t eaten yet or something like that, but honestly, I’m so thankful and blessed that that part is easy for me. I also had pretty major mood swings with my other 2, esp in the first trimester. I’ve felt MUCH more stable and even-keeled this time around, which is HUGE.

what are you looking forward to?

finding out if it’s a boy or girl! second trimester! decorating the room! giving birth! meeting this baby! I just wanna see who they are😍

what do you miss?

ahhh. margaritas. super hot baths. being able to work out!! they found a small SCH (subchorionic hemorrhage) during one of my ultrasounds and while I haven’t had ANY bleeding and they’re “not worried at all”, they put me on full pelvic rest as a precaution — so no sex, no lifting, no exercise, nothing, until it’s healed. it’s honestly been hard, exercising is my sanity. BUT if it means a healthy babe, then I’ll do WHATEVER it takes. hoping it’s healed on my next ultrasound and I'm released back to normal life!

how do your kids feel?

sissy doesn’t really know what’s going on since she’s so young haha but silas is PUMPED. which is actually so fun for US since the last time I was pregnant, he was so little and didn’t understand. it’s sooo fun to have a kiddo that truly KNOWS what’s happening. he talks about the “baby in mommy’s tummy” all the time, pretends like he’s holding a baby and rocking it, etc. I think they’ll both do great. and I can’t wait until the baby starts kicking and they can feel it! that’s just gonna be the BEST.

are you craving anything?

oh man, I never really really craved anything crazy with the other 2 (I think just sweeter things with sis??) and this one is the same. nothing crazy. and nothing even super specific! my only problem is that when i see something, like an ad or a video recipe or something, I need to have it RIGHT NOW. like, 5 min ago right now. and I can’t stop thinking about it until I eat it haha. most of our dinners lately have been completely determined by what FB videos I saw that day😂

were you scared to announce early?

this is a tough one. and I feel like it’s based completely on personal preference. with my first two, I announced around six weeks each time but after having the five miscarriages, I was definitely a little leery about announcing before we made sure things were going well. I def wasn’t going to announce before I went to a doctor! we had considered waiting until 12 or 14 weeks but honestly, there’s just really no safe zone with pregnancy. the chances might go down at 12 weeks, but I have multiple friends who lost babies after that, so I truly don’t feel like we’re ever really guaranteed that nothing bad can happen — and to be honest, after losing that many pregnancies, I feel like you go one of two ways: you either don’t announce for months and months and keep it to yourself because it is so painful or, like me, because you’ve experienced loss, you want to celebrate life for as long as you have it. I realized that keeping this pregnancy to myself and then, heaven forbid, losing it, wouldn’t hurt any less than if I HAD announced. and having a support system in place is truly what got me through those 5 losses and the darkness that followed. we’ve had multiple rounds of bloodwork and 4 ultrasounds so far and everything is looking great, thank GOD! we’re taking it a day at a time and have a lot of peace but it’s scary as hell. still is. this pregnancy after loss is SO different than my other experiences. sometimes I miss being naive and “innocent”. but anyways, all that said... we chose to make it public earlier than the “norm” simply because we are so grateful for this gift and we want to celebrate this baby for as long as they’re with us! and hopefully that’s 80+ years❤️

alrighty, y’all. that’s it! let me know if you have any other questions and I'll try to answer them on IG stories! so grateful for your support, encouragement and excitement with and for us — truly grateful for YOU!!

xoxo

my one word - 2019 (and a few resolutions)

This post is sponsored by Happy Family Organics but the content and opinions expressed here are my own.

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2019. HOW???? I have no idea how I’m already writing another New Years post — didn’t I JUST write last year’s?? And I know I say that almost every time I write these… haha! But seriously, it just blows my mind. 2018 turned out to be one of the hardest years I’ve ever experienced — my grandma passed away just a few weeks before 2018 began so much of the year was cloaked in grief. We then went on to lose 5 pregnancies over the course of 12 months, which honestly, just about broke me. It was a year full of loss and sadness, with just a few bright points throughout (which I’m so thankful for). I’m really praying 2019 will be full of joy and light.

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My goals for this year:

— Regular date nights with Matt. Again, we say this every year but we STILL haven’t found a rhythm with them, soo I’m putting it down again haha.

— Lose my last 15-20 lbs (I’ve already lost almost 20!)

— Build my Beachbody business. Diamond coach!

— STOP THE SCROLL. Be more disciplined with when I scroll.

— Continue waking up early to workout and spend some time with Jesus

— Have a baby… or come to peace about not having one <3

— Finish decorating the kids’ bedrooms

— Redo laundry room

— Be more present, especially with the kids. Mentally and emotionally.

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Things I’m looking forward to in 2019:

— Magnolia trip with one of my best friends in February!

— Probable CA trip in March

— Celebrating our 6th anniversary in March

— Our first niece being born in April!

— My 30th birthday in July (!!! WUT)

— Another CA trip for our fam vacation in September

— Oct-Dec, AKA my favorite time of the entire year

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My word for the year (well, actually I have 2 haha):

— CLARITY. I feel like this probably has a lot to do with the whole baby situation. But I’m really praying for clarity this year in general. Clarity in what to do next. Where to go. What to say yes to. What to say no to. Where we spend our time. Our money. How to best serve each other. Be the best parents we can be. CLARITYYY.

— INTENTIONAL. Which kind of goes hand in hand with clarity…but still. These babies of mine… see their little faces in these pictures? They are EVERYTHING. I want to be so intentional about the time I spend with them, the things we do, what we expose them to, what we put in their bodies.

I’m already pretty conscientious about what I feed them but I want to be even more aware of products and ingredients. Which is one of the reasons Happy Family Organics has been my FAVORITE brand since 2014. Not even joking. It’s one of the only baby brands I trust completely. They are organic (which always means no GMO’s), they’re produced without toxic pesticides and utilize sustainable farming practices, which is huge for the environment. The snacks are YUMMY, they’re for all ages (and honestly, my kids love the “baby" snacks” the most haha)! Our favorites are the yogi’s (freeze dried yogurt and fruit snacks), the rice cakes and the fiber and protein soft-baked oat bars! Quick, easy to use on-the-go, and I KNOW that I’m filling their little bellies with good stuff. INTENTIONAL, 1000%.

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Nothing means more to me than loving my people well. Matt, Silas, Verity. They are my world and the best gifts that God ever entrusted to me. I want everything I do this year. My words, my actions, my thoughts, everything… to leave every single one of them better off than when the year started. I have goals, yes. I have dreams, I have ideas. But those all pale in comparison to being intentional, being present and LOVING THE ISH out of my crew. THAT is what will make 2019 a good one. LET’S DO THIS.

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